Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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