i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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