If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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