Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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