plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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