woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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