Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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