Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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