I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
