I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
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