Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
