You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize
