Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
