You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
