1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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