i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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