she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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