I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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