before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
