I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hippo gnu deer
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
