He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
