I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
bring money and cleavage
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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