Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
