There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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