she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
