so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
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