he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
