thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
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