I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
