Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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