I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize