I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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