I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
