Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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