Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
