So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
