Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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