allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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