well I can't set my house on fire every night
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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