I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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