just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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