Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
