ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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