Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
