I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize