he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
