I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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