We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
