im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
