is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
