i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
