i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
