Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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