Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
