On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i just sent this text using only my big toe
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
